A New Mom's Life

Once your baby starts being mobile, so will all of their toys and belongings. Your baby will learn how to move things, but not know how to put them back. You will find yourself cleaning after them constantly, only to find your living room in shambles again 10 minutes later.

If your baby is sporting a grandpa combover, eventually you will decide to give your baby its first haircut. Now, this is a bit tricky, since the hair is quite long in the front and still growing in the back. That, and the baby won’t stay still while you’re cutting, and you don’t want any haircut injuries in the process.

So what do you do? You snip a bit off this side, take a bit off that side, and then try to make the bangs straight (they won’t be). In the end, your baby will have a bowl cut. This is extra unfortunate if you have a girl, but you can hide your handiwork with lots of cute bows, or worst-case scenario, a large sombrero.

I’m not sure how moms did it before Google, pre-Internet. The first time your baby’s poo looks a little weird, you’ll Google it. Whenever you have a question about your baby’s development, or wonder what is “normal,” you’ll Google it. It’s amazing the crazy things that you’ll be wondering, but the reassuring thing is, you won’t be the first person to ask that question.

Thank goodness for Google.

Sophie the Giraffe will be your baby’s favourite toy. It’s a $20 plastic teething toy that every baby and their dog owns. And it’s worth every penny. Your baby will love to hold it, bite its legs, ears and face, thrash it around, and make it squeak. Trust me, get the giraffe.

If you go to the movies with your baby, it isn’t too bad. They usually have dimmer lighting, quieter sound, and some even have diaper stations right inside the theatre. No surprise, there will be crying in the theatre during the movie. Sometimes it will be reasonable, sometimes it will be a big pain the neck. Sometimes it will be your baby who’s the loudest cry baby in there.

Tip: Try not to watch a movie that you have to pay a lot of attention to, like “Inception.” You’ll do one diaper change and then miss some crucial plot point, making you confused for the rest of the movie.

The first time you watch your baby get shots, you will want to cry. They are completely helpless, are in pain, and you are the person who brought her there, you big meanie!

Afterwards, the nurse will ring a loud bell repeatedly to make them stop crying. Sometimes it works, and you are amazed at what a great idea it is. The times it doesn’t work, you want to yank the bell out of the nurse’s hand and bonk her over the head with it.

You sometimes want to avoid mothers with toddlers. It’s rude, but their children are loud, often have dirty hands and sniffly noses, and like to run around your home and move stuff around. You secretly hope that your baby will be different when they get older (but they probably won’t).

You will, at least once in your baby’s life, make him or her bleed while cutting their fingernails. It’s inevitable. Just clean up, forgive yourself, and move on. It happens.

I never understood why people with babies couldn’t find time to eat or go out. After all, they had the whole day off, right? Wrong. Babies are time consuming.

After having a baby, you will find yourself scheduling showers, sneaking bites of food in when you have a spare minute, and relishing the time when baby naps (usually with a nap of your own).

These tiny baby socks and mitts will be lost in the laundry black hole of your washer/dryer. I did this while doing the pre-baby wash and felt like a failure even before the baby was born. Do yourself a favour and get a lingerie wash bag to clean these wee things.